The Cabinet of Abominations

In the wake of Matt Gaetz withdrawing from consideration to be Attorney General, President-elect Donald Trump has doubled down on defending his remaining nominations. Trump met with the editors of The Spectator to explain the reasoning behind his picks.

ADMINISTRATOR OF THE SMALL BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION: Elon Musk

Elon Musk, famous for his many successful small businesses, will be a perfect fit for this role. In order to save a lot of mom-and-pop shops any trouble, he’s offering to buy them… just buy them.

DIRECTOR OF THE OFFICE OF MANAGEMENT AND BUDGET: The MyPillow guy, Mike Lindell

Trump is pretty sure Mike can handle any budgeting issue in his sleep. MyPillow guy is now Trump’s Pillow Guy only, not yours.

ADMINISTRATOR OF THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY: ExxonMobil

ExxonMobil is fueled by deep love for the Earth and its resources, so Trump is confident that it has the world’s best interests in mind. “I’m an environmentalist,” he said last month in Wisconsin. Trump claimed that accelerating climate change will give every piece of the land the equal opportunity to become “oceanfront property.”

DIRECTOR OF THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY: Vladimir Putin

Vladimir is known by Trump to be an expert on Russia.

DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE: Xi Jinping

Trump found all of those intelligence briefings mind-numbing, so he wanted to find someone who would be more interested in the information. He ran through a list of everyone he knew and ultimately concluded that Xi Jinping had the most demonstrated interest.

SURGEON GENERAL: Hannibal Lecter

Trump made this decision based on Hannibal’s proven interest in the human body. “They say his proposals will ‘take your breath away,’” he told us.

SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY: Rudy Giuliani

Trump was so impressed by Rudy’s coffee ads that he thought they could be the answer to America’s financial troubles. “He really puts his heart into it. He’s working hard,” Trump said of Giuliani. “He’s learning the subject matter.” 

SECRETARY OF EDUCATION: Arnold Palmer

Trump wants to keep the Department of Education as small as possible.

UNITED STATES TRADE REPRESENTATIVE: Sharks

“The most beautiful word in the dictionary to me is tariffs,” Trump told us with glee. “The second most beautiful word in the dictionary is sharks, because if we have enough of them, they will function like tariffs.”

SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE: Ronald McDonald of McDonald

When asked what caused the revelation that McDonald was right for this job, Trump responded, “I went into the McDonald’s and I did the french fry thing. And it just hit.”

SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION: Garbage truck

Trump doesn’t want to leave the door closed on transportation possibilities.

DIRECTOR OF THE OFFICE OF SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY POLICY: The Bible

With ExxonMobil at the head of the EPA, we may need another Noah’s Ark soon.

VICE PRESIDENT: Couch

Trump has strong feelings about this one. “JD is kissing my ass—he wants my support so bad,” he says of the recent breakup. Luckily, Trump easily found a replacement in Couch, who similarly found issues with JD Vance. JD may have a pretty butt (Couch would know), but he can’t order donuts, which is important when Trump is manning the drive-thru window. Trump and Couch are a much better fit.

When asked if he had anything further to share, Trump ended with, “A lot of people ask me, ‘How do you put your pants on?’ And I say, ‘Well, I don’t think about it too much.’ I don’t want to think about it because if I think about it too much maybe I won’t want to do it, but I love it because we’re going to do something for this country that’s never been done before.”

And that’s all the information we have at this time.