The Kavanaugh Roundup

Brett Kavanaugh has been everywhere in American news recently. From his initial nomination by Donald Trump to the recent allegations of sexual harassment, he’s been an ever-present face on TV, in newspapers, and online for weeks. Kavanaugh is currently facing a tight vote, partially because many senators are wary of voting against his confirmation, fearing that such a vote will make them look too strongly anti-rape. We at The Spectator have launched an investigation and are prepared to release a series of exclusive news stories about the nominee which have not yet been published in any other paper. I proudly present to you: The Kavanaugh Roundup.

Despite credible allegations of attempted rape brought against Kavanaugh, Republican senators leading his confirmation effort have been slow to react and have continued to carry on with his confirmation hearings and the process. In the latest series of subtly planned strategic moves to get the confirmation through, Judiciary Committee Chair Chuck Grassley and others on the committee have decided to wear orange sound-cancelling headphones—often found on construction sites—while the accuser testifies, giving them probable deniability should the accusations be proven true after Kavanaugh is confirmed to the court. Grassley defended the decision, stating, “What did you ask? Oh. I don’t know what all these liberal snowflakes are complaining about. Mostly because I can’t hear them with these industrial strength noise blockers on, but I also have no idea why anyone would have a problem with a rapist deciding America’s future for generations to come.”

Not only politicians have been vocal in their support for the judge. Many people close to Kavanaugh have come out in support of him and have announced publicly that he is Very Nice. This irrefutable testimony, based on the undebatable fact that nobody has ever acted differently around different people, makes it difficult to argue with the objective facts that Mr. Kavanaugh is a Very Nice Man and Just Isn’t Like That. Among the women close to him who have come out in support of him is Susan Simmons, who sat two seats away from him in Ms. Frances Barnshaw’s third grade arithmetic class. Simmons gave us an exclusive interview regarding Mr. Kavanaugh, in which she swore that nine-year-old Brett was a “true gentleman” who she had never seen do anything wrong. “The way they're trying to assassinate his character is outrageous,” she fumed. “He came to my house for a birthday party once, and he didn't try to rape me! These accusations must be entirely false and should be rescinded immediately.”

In other related news, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is bringing a lawsuit against Kavanaugh’s accuser, college professor Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. In the lawsuit, Justice Thomas alleges that Dr. Ford’s claims against Kavanaugh “bring up repressed memories of a traumatic time in his life when he was faced with persecution and unfair public scrutiny,” and that the publication of sexual assault claims against a Supreme Court nominee brought up PTSD from the ordeal he faced when he was accused of sexual harassment by Anita Hill in 1991. He is seeking damages from Dr. Ford to the effect of $4.71 million. We reached out to the Justice for comment and in an interview given to The Spectator, he urged women to think before accusing men of sexual assault because “you really have no idea what you might be putting that poor man through. The effect it can have on a person’s life and career is enormous, and these women callously accusing men of sexual assault should really be more considerate before voicing their accusations.”

That’s all for this week in The Kavanaugh Roundup. Check back next week for the latest stories and items about America’s favorite alleged sexual harasser.