The Spectator’s Top Ten Endorsements for the Presidency (#7 Will Discipline You!)

Regardless of whether you supported Joe Mama or a wet orange for the presidency, we can all agree that this election was clearly a divisive one. America, where is your decency? Are we blind to the clear solutions here? We are a democracy (Cue everyone telling me it’s a “democratic republic.” And to that, I shall loosely quote Supreme Court Juice Amy Cannon Barry: “We get five freedoms in the first amendment: speech, religion, press, and assembly”). We’ve lost what could have been and now fight in an endless rat race of rich white men. We must come together and rework this democracy from the bottom up.

And herein lies the true problem: the two-party system. The great Jorge Washingmachine himself spoke against it (as stated in my APUSH class). Why should we have to back one candidate with whom we might not even agree just to get or prevent the only other major candidate running to be in the White House? If we had more candidates, then surely this could be avoided. Sure, third parties lure you into the feeling of choice, but really, when’s the last time a third party won? Clearly, I am the expert on politics here at The Spectator, and just in case we’re in this predicament ever again, I’ve done everyone the great service of compiling a list of 10 clearly better candidates for the presidency than any Devilcrat or Ripubiclan.

10. COVID-19

Let’s start off with a real controversial opinion that’ll get your blood flowing. COVID-19 for prez. Coronavirus. Coco. C-dawg. Every president hates it, and that’s why it is one of the best choices. It’ll kickstart this rough, sluggish economy with floods of masks, hand sanitizers, and more. Capitalism begins with a C, just like COVID! And surely, this ain’t a coincidence. It’ll educate the public on health and safety issues better than our current president, too. The age-old adage reads thusly: if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

9. @BidenInsultBot on Twitter

If you’re a fan of “Will you just shut up, man?” you’ll love Biden Insult Bot. It’s the cutting-edge live commentary we need. All the biting rhetoric of Biden without the boring policies and whatever. With gems like “Here [are] the facts, you poopdeckin’ hurdy-gurdy man,” maybe AI is the future after all.

Foreign nations everywhere would be intimidated by Biden Insult Bot. Forget about Russia and China. Forget about North Korea’s nuclear weapons. Biden Insult Bot would cut these world leaders down to jelly within seconds. We’d truly dominate the world with the brilliance of Biden’s mind trapped in a computer.

8. The old lady who gave you a cough drop on the subway

In tough times like these, we really need more kindness in office. Don’t you remember how you were coughing and wheezing on the subway many months ago? Everyone thought you had the ‘rona and stayed away, but that old lady showed some real gumption. That’s the kind of attitude we need in office right now. Who cares if she was probably trying to lure you into the world of slightly illegal drugs? That’s the kind of love-spreading gesture we need now more than ever. Hmm, I wonder what that strange white powder in the middle of my cough drop was…

7. Brian Moran

Moran 2024. Do I even need to explain this one?

6. Vermin Supreme

This man is the boot-hat-wearing, beard-donning legend who guaranteed everyone a pony if he won the election (I am actually not making this up. Google him). He earned extra points on our highly precise, technical algorithm for being a) alive, b) human, and c) less crazy than the current presidential candidates. (Five-Thirty-Eight’s “algorithm” is nothing more than a random number generator compared to our systems.)

5. Gaius Julius Caesar

The classic middle-of-the-line option. Caesar is truly a man of the people—he loved them so much that he chose to end his life surrounded by those he loved: his fellow senators, especially Brutus. What a guy.

Imagine this: the rich are taking over. They’ve consolidated their wealth. They make questionable fashion choices. That is exactly the system Caesar usurped with his brilliant mind. He reformed, united, and expanded the Roman Republic. Isn’t that what we all need in this day and age, too? Who cares if he’s like, a little bit dead?

4. The piece of gum stuck on your shoe

“What?!” you might say. “It can’t even talk! It doesn’t even meet the criteria you set earlier!” Well, disregard what I said earlier. The best decisions are clearly always made on a whim. I’m always right. Some of the best presidents are silent and steadfast, just like that piece of gum on your shoe. Some people are quitters. That gum is not. Therefore, Gum for President 2024. Doesn’t it just roll off the tongue?

3. Hades

Give the guy some credit. If he can run a kingdom composed of 107 billion dead people, I don’t think America would be much different. He’d feel right at home, honestly. Here’s a little bit of trivia you can impress your friends with: Florida (especially Disney World) was designed after the Fields of Punishment. Why do you think so many old people “retire” there? It calls for them. They know their ashes are going to be in that Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Death is inevitable—might as well embrace our fate of being in the Underworld with Hades as president!

2. Caesar Dressing

Well-dressed. Can put a positive spin on anything (even salad). Wasn’t brutally stabbed to death. For all the right reasons, Caesar 2.0 takes the runner-up position of our endorsements. You were everything your predecessor was not. Caesar Dressing needs no more explanation than that. Kudos to you, sir.

1. The little hamster inside of my brain

The Spectator’s official pick for the presidency would be none other than the holy, ethereal hamster that runs around in the head of yours truly. This hamster has the potential to unlock all the possibilities of human life. It is brilliance in a pure, undistilled form. It is unmatchable. It has brought you this article and many others. Forget having a mortal coil—shuffle that off. The tiny hamster in my brain that tells me what to do would be the best president yet. It’s 100 percent guaranteed.

I want to be clear. I’m not endorsing myself for the presidency. Oh no. If this hamster wins (and it should), I am willing to extract it like a humble tumor and set it free. If it can come up with all of this genius in the dark confinements of my skull where I have encapsulated it, it could rewrite humanity outside of it with its omniscience.

Think about it. If this hamster can put together such a worldly article (that you’re… still reading?), think about the scriptures it could create if set free. It could rewrite the Bible if I didn’t keep it under lock and key for 23 hours a day (for fear of my precious soul). It’s like Voldemort and Professor Quirrel, only without evil and an ugly turban. So think about that. Maybe it’s time for a big change, people.

Make sure to vote. Use your voices for better or worse. What matters is that you get it out there—before it’s too late.

Honorable Mention:

Caligula: Oh, Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, even though you randomly killed the leader of Mauretania and married then murdered your sister, there’s just something so extraordinary about how you, like no other, took the bold step of making your horse a consul. No one else would have ever possibly thought of that. Insanity or genius? I’ll let you decide (But the right answer is genius. I mean… a horse as a consul? The supreme leader? It’s like letting Donald Trump run free in a hospital [ahem John Mulaney]).