The Truth Behind Stuy’s IDs

One of the most universal cases of Stuyvesant suffering is your SCHOOL ID PHOTO.

You probably also remember hearing the horror stories from Big Sibs before you took the most important picture of your whole life: “Prepare yourself, ‘cause you only get one picture,” “Pray your math teacher doesn't bring up all the photos on the smartboard,” “I look orange in mine,” and the most common line: “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Maybe afterward you heard conversations between your peers: “They took it without warning me!” “THERE WAS SOMETHING IN MY TEETH??” Many have tried begging for another chance, but to no avail.

I’m here to tell you that that’s not actually you in the picture…

WAKE UP PEOPLE!! Isn’t it obvious? There’s absolutely no way these horrific orange monsters in our IDs could be us. Try to wrack your brain. Do you really remember taking your ID photo? And the real question: Who is that in your ID photo?

Let me take you back to Camp Stuy Day One, from my perspective. As everyone began crowding the escalators to exit the building at the end of the day, I realized I had forgotten my plans for schoolwide domination somewhere. I opened the door to the pool and saw my notebook sitting on a bench waiting for me. Thank goodness my plans were still there. Suddenly, an announcement echoed through the room: “All clear! Everyone please report to the second floor senior bar!” Confused, I realized that I had spent an hour searching for my bag. Scared to expose myself, I decided to wait to see what would happen. I peered through the pool windows, and the possibilities of what teachers did after school raced through my mind. Unfortunately, I was not prepared for what I saw: at least 1000 monsters gathering right in front of my eyes. It looked like a monster convention; vampires, zombies, and aliens sat down in front of large mirrors and bright lights. They began to transform right in front of my eyes; the vampires started to apply orange and yellow makeup to hide their pale faces, while the zombies dug through boxes of props, pulling out wigs and glasses. The aliens chose different clothes from the large lost and found box. I pinched myself and confirmed that I wasn’t dreaming.

Everything started to make sense. All the upperclassmen complaining, the weird coloration, the stretched-out photos. Suddenly, a cold hand grabbed my shoulder… Mr. Moran?

“Great job! I’ve never seen a better recreation of one of those slimy freshmen. Let’s go take your picture.” Reluctantly I followed him to the second floor where Principal Yu stood, directing the monsters to take their pictures. A zombie shuffled in front of the camera wearing the most obnoxious shade of orange coverup. He grinned at the camera. “Bartholomew, no smiling. You know I hate that,” Principal Yu winced. FLASH. Next, an alien sat in front of the camera. “No no, you're way too green!” Principal Yu said angrily.

FLASH. My turn came and I tried to copy the previous vampire. “You look a little too perfect,” Principal Yu remarked. “Don't worry though, we’ll fix it in editing.” FLASH. “Wait a second…” I gulped. “Tara?!” I yelped in fear. “Foolish child, don’t you know that the Yu meister recognizes every single student?” He gestured to the crowd of ghouls. “Guys, we’re gonna have to ax her. She knows too much.”

This was my chance to make a run for it. “Don't let her get to the exit!” I heard someone shout. I ran faster than ever before. I needed to make it out alive—the Stuyvesant students had a right to know.

To this day I cannot make eye contact with Principal Yu, as he smiles at unsuspecting students walking into school, out of fear that he might recognize me and take revenge.

To readers: Now that the secret is exposed, you are sure to find comfort in knowing that there was a perfectly reasonable explanation behind your ugly ID photo that isn’t you. Feel free to show your ID photo to your friends and expose the truth behind theirs too.