Welcome to Stuyvesant University!

After a slight mixup between the SAT and SHSAT, Stuyvesant High School opened its doors for the first time on March 20… to college students! Hundreds of young adults attended the recent week’s open house in hopes of attending the prestigious Stuyvesant University, which closely rivaled BMCC.

“I ED’d to Stuyvesant. Yeah, the University, not the High School. Of course I know what Stuyvesant High School is… I’m literally a senior at Bronx Science,” one prefreshie said. “Anyways, do I still need to pass the swim test?”

The Big Sibs were just as shocked by the new freshmen. “I told my friend, ‘Those are not prefreshies.’ I thought they would be puny, but no, they were gigantic… six feet, at least,” one Big Sib said. 

However, size wasn’t the only thing off about these freshmen. “One asked me about what fraternities they could join. I told them about the Dear Class of 2028… WE HAVE ADVICE Facebook group,” another Big Sib said. “Oh wait… is that a fraternity or a sorority? Does that count as our party culture?”

“Oh, one freshman asked me about where the dorms are. Technically, they’re everywhere, right? I mean, where do we not sleep?” an ARISTA member added.

The administration declined to comment on this error, proving their embarrassment. Or maybe joy. Who knows? The Big Sibs, however, have mixed feelings.

A Big Sib chair said, “Sure, we’ll do this all again. We’ll give tours, answer questions. You know, the usual stuff. I don’t know about the clapping though. I uhh… almost lost my hands last time.”

Another Big Sib complained, “The ‘freshies’ gotta go. Especially the ones from Brooklyn Tech. Aside from brutally mogging us, they've shown us the ultimate disrespect by bragging about their athletic triumphs over our high school. Like, first of all, the only thing you're beating us at is how many days you can go without showering, and this isn't even a college!”

“Yeah, they need to scram. I almost got my lunch money stolen, and I heard they jumped a couple of freshmen by the bridge. Honestly, we're so starved to see a fight here, but I'm on a bulk right now and can't afford to be pushed around like this. It's dehumanizing,” another Big Sib added.

The freshmen decided to take the lack of Stuyvesant’s college culture into their own hands. In an uproar, they set up Cup Pong in the gym lockers, began initiations into the new Alpha Sigma fraternity in the pool, turned the escalators into party slides, and started serving drinks out of the sophomore bar in Stuyvesant branded Solo cups.

“They got too out of control! We had to call in the football team for backup,” an anonymous ARISTA member added. “Don’t tell anyone but, uhh… the Moran martini was pretty good…”

In response to this chaotic turn of events, Stuyvesant staff had no choice but to interfere. 

“They stormed into my office and were about to ruin my BTS shrine with all their ‘rowdyism’. So I had to expel them from the open house, and I also made a public statement that if Stuy were to ever become a university, we would never allow such K-pop haters to set foot in these pristine halls,” Principal Seung Yu shortly said in reply to the many questions following the Freshman Fiasco of 2024.

Overall, the event is expected to cost Stuyvesant a million dollars in damage. The money will either come from funds for the Robotics lab, the already underfunded Speech and Debate Team, or shutting off power on the escalators for at least two years. Voting for the source of funding will open next week. For now, Stuyvesant must plan another open house, hopefully with more teenagers and fewer fraternities.