Yes, I’m a Ghostwriter

Hey, can you see me? The Specter of The Spectator? Yes? Good, ‘cuz I just wanted to let you know that your pillow is going to be warm tonight. Both sides, and I’ll personally make sure it happens. It already happened to Kyle Hon Chan and Christian Kim (you really think they’re actually writing this?). You better pray you’re not next. Well, except you are.

Oh? You’re not scared?

Well, I’m going to tell you that I’m going to rearrange every bone in your body and force you to do the Macarena. Don’t believe me? Hmph, when you don’t see Kyle Hon Chan or Christian Kim in school tomorrow, you’ll know what happened to them…

Wait—you’re still not scared?

*blushes a little*

I…I will see to that personally… Just remember poor Kyle Hon Chan and Christian Kim, who were forced to do the Macarena with a warm pillow…

I’m serious this time. After I’m through with you, your light-up Skechers will never light up again… Perhaps you’ll develop an irrational fear of eggs as well.

Hey, it’s me again, and no, I am not here with another threat (clearly you weren’t scared by my previous attempts anyway).

All I wanted to say is that…

you’re quite kawaii and you make my heart go doki doki. (Did I use your modern slang correctly? Sorry, I was born in a different era, literally.) Y’know, I’ve really gotten to know you a lot more over these last few paragraphs. You got all the traits I look for in love: you crave that adventure in an adrenaline rush and you’re daring beyond belief (I’ve seen you go into your cute little panic attacks after putting off your homework until the day it’s due). Y’know, I can use someone like that here. Where? In the Humor department of The Spec of course! Right here in the paper!

How did I get into the newspaper in the first place, you ask? I’m so glad to hear you’re totally just as invested in me as I am in you~ It’s a funny story, really. Just a matter of selling your soul to the immortal who's still in room 103 (don’t know who’s in that room? Well, YU just gotta think a bit harder) to get an automatic pass in Precalc (cuz that class is too damn hard). Hey… I just got a great idea… It wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to do the same and join me here, y’know ;). Can you imagine? Just the two of us. Alone. Whoops—I think I just drooled a bit hee hee~

Y’know, I’ve been kind of missing the old Stuy building, particularly the bathroom. How I would kill to see that bathroom with you… You wouldn’t mind if you—HEY, HEY, I SEE YOU FLIPPING TO THE NEWS SECTION. YOU BETTER NOT TURN TO THE NEWS SECTION. You're not creeped out are you??? UwU I’m not a creep, right??? I. Am. Not. A. Creep. Right?

Joy to see you’re still with me~ For a moment I was afraid you left me for your homework, but then I realized that wouldn’t be possible (can you imagine actually doing homework?). However, I was afraid you might have left me for the News section (or even worse: the Sports section). You wouldn’t leave me for News or Sports or anything else, would you? You’re right. You wouldn’t teehee.

Oh, sweetie (ara ara~ we’re getting way ahead in this relationship already)... I didn’t mean to scare you like that. I only raised my voice an itsy tinsy bit because I love you, okay? Don’t believe me? Oh, dearie, that's fine. If you would be so kind and continue to breathe on this paper (your coffee breath is addicting), I’ll be right back. I got just the thing for you to cheer you up… It’s a surprise ;)

No, wait—Oh, sweetie, don’t put down the page. Please, YOU BETTER NOT uwu. Please don’t go. Don’t flip the page… I’m afraid of the dark. I don’t want to be let go again… PLE—