Your Mother Is My Best Friend

Every time I go to a friend’s house, I end up spending more time chatting with their parents than with the friend themself. Call it what you want—being an “old soul” or having “mom rizz”—but that talent comes with great perks (like the time some random billionaire from Dubai wanted to give my parents their kid in exchange for me… sweet, right? Sorry, Mom and Dad!) As  Thanksgiving approaches, now’s the best time to learn these tricks so you can maximize the number of dinner invites you get. Yum. 

1. Make sure to bring their favorite snack.

Before hopping over to your friend’s house, make sure to ask them what their parents’ favorite foods are and pick some up on your way there. When you’re in the store, opt for the most expensive selection (don’t gawk, what are you, cheap???). When your friend’s parents open the door to let you in, nonchalantly present them the food. Their minds will be blown, and you will look more adoptable than ever (they may also think you have psychic powers, but hey—that’s a plus!!)

1. Arrive thirty minutes after you were supposed to. 

Now you might be saying, “Hey, that’s just plain rude!” It would be… if the reason you’re late wasn’t because you were ending world hunger, finding the cure to cancer, or helping a blind old lady down a long street, which you totally would do, right? This is a win-win situation for both you and the parent. You get to take your sweet time getting ready to be the hero of the night, and your friend’s parents can rest assured that you’re a good influence on their child. 

1. Eat, sneeze, or educate.

Personally, all my favorite moments at other people’s houses have one thing in common: Me, chowing down on some good (free) food. Let’s face it: cooking is a talent that not everyone has. If your friend’s parents have cooked a banger meal, take advantage of it by helping yourself to the food. Then, take some more. Your stomach’s the limit! This is super important, repeat after me: We will not let a good meal go to waste. Don’t be shy; be that boy from Matilda. Stuff your face, and while you’re at it, let the parents know how much you enjoy their cooking. Now, there are times when the food may be horrendous, and one glance will make your stomach flip over. Obviously, the best solution would be to run, but that wouldn’t be the most tactful, which is what we’re aiming for. First order of business: turn that frown upside down. Smile sweetly and start sneezing. Identify the first thing on that table and claim you’re allergic to it. Potatoes? Salt? Water? Whatever works best for you. Just be sure to act sad that you can’t dig into that “scrumptious-looking meal.” You’re welcome, reader. Another day, another save. 

4) Look, talk, and smell nice.

What is this, an interview??? Well, yes. See, simple manners go a long way. Address your friend’s parents as “Sir” or “Ma’am.” Be respectful. Make sure you smell like one of those weird scents that parents love, like baby powder or Clorox. Put on sensible, humble clothing that shows that you’re effortlessly fashionable, and whip up a tragic anecdote for one of the pieces. For instance: “My dying grandma knitted me this sweater.” Please—for your sake and mine—do not show up in your Stuyvesant gym uniform… you don’t want your host to faint from the awful stench. Same thing with your breath: pretend you have COVID-19 and wear a mask. Or brush your teeth… like you should be doing. 

Woah! Would you look at that! Just in the time it took me to write this article, I got 53 missed calls… oh, and what’s that? Your mom called? She wants me to come over for dinner? Well, don’t mind if I do. See you soon!