New and Improved AP Courses Come To Stuy

Good news! The benevolent overlords at the College Board have, due to high demand, announced a new AP Precalc class! Just kidding, we know that’s not good news. And the juniors know it too—while you were regretting not ranking Brooklyn Tech first, a mass protest against the College Board took place in the junior atrium. You probably couldn’t hear it, anyway, because the AP Scantron Composition exam was taking place right next door, and they were having a party.

When we got wind of this protest, we climbed out of our Stuyvesant Humor Department Porthole™ and entered the scene (with sunglasses and fedoras on so as not to be recognized) to interview the juniors. As goes our motto, curiosity may have killed the cat, but we kill curiosity!

When we entered the junior atrium, chaos like we’d never known before greeted us in the form of protesting juniors. Amidst the havoc, we ducked flying chairs and made our way toward one of the groups to learn more.

Upon seeing us approaching, one of the members yelled, “Eway antway Ayay Pyay igpay atinlay andyay eway antway ityay ownay!” (For the less intelligent people out there, no, they weren’t speaking French. We will kindly translate it for you: “We want AP Pig Latin and we want it now!”) The other juniors began snorting in agreement and raised their signs aggressively. Obviously, the juniors were trying to add new and improved APs to the curriculum and, for some reason, thought AP Pig Latin was a good idea.

We made our way over to another group to see what they had to say. One of their signs read “AP Skincare.” When asked what would be taught in this class, the leader replied, “We would learn the do’s and don’ts of skincare, and possible homework assignments would be to replace those useless COVID masks at the scanner tables with cucumber green tea face masks, or to swap out the hand sanitizer for hand lotion.”

One of the other groups had only two students in it. Upon closer investigation, we saw that their sign read “AP Lock Picking, not AP Computer Clicking.” When we asked the two juniors why there weren’t more of them, one said off the record (but nothing is off the record for a Humor article), “There are many more of us, but they’re off breaking into the programming office.”

After awkwardly and discreetly sliding away, we walked around the atrium, taking note of all the new APs the juniors were petitioning for. There was the AP Memes group (Don’t be Sus, Give us Memes!), the AP Wordle group (Where Wordle Class Writes Green Boxes), the AP Podcasts group (who wanted to replace the morning announcements with five-minute podcasts), and the AP Square Dancing group (who said that square dancing was the best thing that had happened to them since coming to Stuy), among many others.

In hopes of finding juniors who were more sane, we approached a silent group of protesters with signs that read “AP Miming,” but they declined to comment.

After seeing all this, we quickly escaped the war zone before we could be persuaded to join the AP Curling group, whose members were trying to turn the half floor into a curling rink. It is now clear exactly how deranged the juniors are; should you see one walking down the hallway, DO NOT INTERACT WITH THEM.